Okay, fine. A brief introduction:
I am The Spookie. Please, note the capital 'T.' I am a lover of all things spooky: horror movies, ghost stories, Halloween, complete darkness. I am happy in my little dark world, but there are plenty of things in here worth sharing. Which is why I have created this blog. I'd be happy to tell you more about myself. Message me, fools. I don't like talking about myself. So, as planned, on to the content...
The Human Centipede: First Sequence.
A fairly new movie, I am here to tell you why this movie.. rocked my socks off. I really didn't expect much from it: a strange indie film about a crazy surgeon. I've seen tons of them. But a few days ago, I watched (and by that I mean, I payed attention) the trailer for The Human Centipede and it really caught my eye. ((Trailer))
By the way, this is only the first part. Somehow, there is more.
A quickie: ((That means SPOILERS.))
The movie begins with a man, distraught and gazing at a strange photograph, parked by the side of the road. Moments later, a cargo truck joins him. The truck driver hops out and scampers off to relieve himself in the wooded area nearby. Rifle in hand, the original driver follows.
Now, we join two girls getting ready to go out clubbing. We discover that they are American tourists road-tripping across Europe, their current stop being Germany. Over the phone, a directory gives them directions to a night club they were invited to. Prepared to have the night, they set sail.
Unfortunately, trouble is in the air. The girls are lost, stressed and suddenly confronted with a flat tire on their rental car. And even worse luck, no one taught them how to change a tire. Soon they are greeted by a obese, dungeon crawler with a taste for American sluts. Creeped out, they hide in the car until he recedes back into the night. Eventually, they decide they must man-up and venture out into the cold, wet night.
The girls, being dumb girls, head through the woods, instead of taking the road back to civilization. They wander for a long time before coming to a house....
Once inside the house, we learn that the owner a) is a medical genius who surgically separates conjoined twins, and does it very, very well; b) is a diabolical scientist who really likes sewing dogs together; c) really, really hates people, humans, humanity and the like. He drugs the girls, and places them in his laboratory downstairs. (It's nice.) In waking, they discover that they are not the only captives. Remember the truck driver from before? (It was a tranquilizer rifle, not a real one.) Well, apparently, he just isn't good enough to be part of the team, for his blood/tissue/medical things do not match the girls'. The doctor buries him in the backyard.
A young Japanese man is the next candidate for our Centipede Team! And, lucky him, he's a match.
This is where we get to see the doctor in his super-snazzy lab coat. (Envy..) The three, strapped to gurneys, watch as the doctor reveals his maniacal plan... To turn them into a human centipede by connecting them, mouth-to-anus, but that isn't all, folks! He's also planning to remove some teeth, cut and enlarge the mouth/anus for better comfort, and chop up some vital parts in their knees, making escape nearly impossible.
He begins to put them under and one of the girls escapes and they chase each other around the house, finally leading to this awesome still. Take it in. You know that's a nice coat.
Either way, he gets her back to the lab pronto and continues with his procedure. Mind you, I looked, and when the surgery was complete, we had only made it through the first half of the movie.
The second half consists of their awakening from anesthesia, the doctor trying to teach them how to move together and obey commands, just like 'mein lieber 3-hund' meaning 'my sweet 3-dog.' Did I mention that he attached three Rottweilers together, ass-to-mouth, successfully? Unfortunately for him, they did not make it. (Remember that photo? He loved those puppies dearly..)
It all can't be that swell for him. The police arrive and start asking questions about missing persons in and around his residency. Witnesses had reported hearing a girl crying on his property. His behaviour become erratic and aggressive, desperately trying to sedate the officers so he might add them to his centipede, as the girl on the end is fading fast. The police demand to see his cellar but he refuses. Promising to return with a warrant, they retreat back to headquarters.
In the time that they are gone, the asian man injures the doctor when he goes to check on them and they.. scuttle off. They meet again upstairs and the asian man, the leader of the centipede, decides he cannot continue with this 'punishment', which he believes he is receiving because of the selfish life that he led. He ends his life and their chance at escape; being the leader, they cannot maneuver without him. The police return and the doctor quickly hides himself and waits. The police kick the door in and begin to look for the spooky doctor. Office A finds the broken centipede while Officer B finds the doctor.
The end result?
Gunshots alert Officer A to Officer B, who is now floating face down in the pool. As this happens, end-girl on the centipede expires, leaving only middle-girl, attached to two dead people. Back to the pool, the doctor and remaining officer shoot each other.
So basically everyone dies, except for middle-girl, who is obviously not going to survive with out some serious medical attention, and soon. How long until the officers are missed? Until the neighbors notice their car has been there for days and the trash hasn't been taken out? She stands no chance.
Rating? 3.5/5
Why?
By all means this movie wasn't scary to me, but what movie is anymore? Though, the shock factor was definitely there. I mean, no one wants a rectum surgically attached to their face. Do you realize what this means? Anyone, who wasn't the asian guy, was literally eating shit. Here's a list of reasons why I liked this movie:
It was mostly in German.
Who can't love a evil scientist with a slick coat, german tongue, mirror shades AND a tranquilizer rifle?
It was creative, and he was just plain mean.
No one won in the end. You know she's going to die, and if she doesn't, can you imagine what kind of hell her life will be when she recovers from all this? Shrinks for the rest of forever for this girl.
I really did like this movie. It was, as mentioned earlier, fucked. up. Fucked up. Alot of people rated it poorly because "it wasn't scary." But why should a movie be scary to be good? What is scary, exactly? Quick, loud surprises that make you jump? Or the kind of story that leaves to slightly disturbed in a way you can't just shake off...
Why I didn't like it? Well... I'm a nit-picker. :( Sad, but true. And unfortunately, as grand and awesome as his plan was, I can point out a few things that seem off. Such as their likelihood of survival. The centipede consisted of guy-girl-girl. Girl on the end got sick and died, and I imagined it had something to do with that fact that she was, not only because she was eating shit all day long, but shit that had already been raped twice. Consider this: the guy eats food, digests food, and then passes it to middle-girl. Middle-girl eats shit, and manages to squeeze more nutrients out of it, but not as much as front-boy. By the time the twice-over digested food gets to end-girl, there can't be anything left in it, except for hepatitis, which is something that can happen if you consume feces. You can also get things like.. tapeworms in your brain. it would have been more 'centipede-like' if he had just taken front-boy and somehow stretched him, and his digestive tract, and then added some legs. The director, Tom Six, went to a surgeon in Holland and asked how, if this type of procedure were to be done, to go about it. The procedures depicted in this movie are completely medically accurate. However, I believe the chance for survival of the centipede is falling fast.
I'm interested in seeing what the second sequence has to offer... Except perhaps middle-girl's scarred and deranged revenge. Here's hoping.
//the spooktacular spookie-ookie//
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